Violence in games have always been a hot topic because, you know, parents can’t seem to see the difference between reality and fantasy. That’s why video games are so much damn fun… it allows us to live out our fantasies and part of them, whether you like it or not, is to allow our blood lust to satisfied.
So, for my first edition of what I like to call ‘Saturday Sillies’, I present a Top 10 list of finishing moves that aren’t from Mortal Kombat. Thanks to that game, there were a lot of imitators trying to steal its bloody crown and that made it fun to look at what makes a list like this. Remember that this is all subjective and whatever you may like isn’t what I like. If that’s a problem, remember what I said in my introduction: There is that little red ‘X” on that corner there. Now, on with the show…
10. ANYTHING from Blood Warrior
Yes, proof that Japan wanted a piece of this bandwagon as well came in the form of Blood Warrior. This little known fighter was made by Kaneko at about the same time as the first two MK games. What made this different was how unapologetic it was in its cheesiness. You had literally nearly every Japanese stereotype in this game. My favorite? Sanpei the lovable Kappa. The finishers here are very simple: One tends to blow off a torso while the other turns your hapless foe into a pile of guts with the head as the cherry on top. Simple and straight to the point.
9. Chaos takes a page from the R.Kelly playbook
Primal Rage was the end result of mixing Jurassic Park with Mortal Kombat and threw in a couple of gorillas to boot. Chaos was one of them and he pretty much acted like a frat boy on a drunken bender. He pukes, he farts and to top off the gross out sundae, he can eat his own barf. But, it was his first finisher where he pissed on the fallen body that took the cake. In fact, this move was censored in the home versions of the game because a parent got scared and basically told Target ‘Stop selling this game unless you want kids pissing on their friends’. I don’t know about you, but that’s a personal choice there, lady.
Xenophage: Alien Bloodsport was a MS-DOS game that really wasn’t all that great. Yet, its simple plot and odd alien creatures are somewhat endearing. Of course, you can finish the fight with a simple move… MEAT! Oh, they were all decapitations, but just hearing the announcer say ‘MEAT!’ made it sound oddly satisfying AND you throw in a little ‘FLAMBE!’ to boot. Flambe alien, anyone?
7. Intestines as a bagpipe? Sure, why not!
Another MS-DOS game on this list, Timeslaughter was pretty much a mystery for most gamers, if not all gamers. It was stuck in development hell for many years and it never got an official release. Yet, it is out there if you know where to look. This game was a very prehistoric looking Time Killers-esque game with a weird as all hell plot with it. One of the characters was Lazarus, an old Scotsman who is named after a guy in the bible. His finisher? Oh, let me reach in there, take your intestines and use them for a bloody bagpipe! It’s hilarious to see that now… it probably was hilarious then too.
6. Sliced, Diced and Halved
Mace: The Dark Age was the second attempt by Atari to get into the ring after the fiasco that went down with Primal Rage II. This time, the game was in 3D and, for it’s credit, it had some of the most complex stages created in the genre’s history. Throw in a decent plot set in the Dark Ages and you have a sleeper hit. The Fatalities were hit and miss, but when it did hit, it was a solid one. Take for instance… my boy, Al’ Rashid. He was cool. A master assassin that was totally badass. Hell, he would have been the best guy in the Guild if that was around! With his double scimitars, he took the fallen opponent apart piece by piece, leaving them into a mess of body parts. You rock, Al’ Rashid!
5. The Deadliest boot since Sparta
Survival Arts was a bad game. There’s no getting around that whatsoever.. but it does have something funny here. Santana is this wrestler looking guy and he can do what any big wrestler can do: deliver a Big Boot… except his Big Boot can make his opponent explode into pieces! I wish I had that power.
4. A boss sighting!
Of all the games on this list, Kasumi Ninja might have been the most blatant rip off. Didn’t help it’s case that it was on the Atari Jaguar… yet, it’s final boss might have the best finisher of them all. Gyaku, in his evil demon form, delivers an uppercut that send your foe face down for the manliest Camel Clutch in the history of ever! How manly was it? How about ripping your head off manly!! Somewhere out there, the Iron Sheik is probably thinking about creating new curse words just to call out Gyaku.
3. A Talon-ted gunman
BloodStorm was a rare game that didn’t have much of a lifespan. In fact, arcades where the only place you could see this game. In it, you had a robotic character named Talon, whose goal was to wipe out the flesh and blood and replace it all with robotic parts… which makes him scary. Very scary… as in ‘We don’t want him to win’ scary. His finisher? Let me bust out a gun from my chest and just fill you with enough lead to poison your next of kin! The best part of it was the name… The Ventilator.
Eternal Champions started out on the Sega Genesis as it’s hope to cash in on the fighting genre craze. It’s sequel, Challenge from the Dark Side, turned this puppy from a Street Fighter wannabe into a legit bloodbath. Even Mortal Kombat had to look and say ‘Nah. That’s too nasty even for us.’ An example of that was one of the stage finishers in this game. If you managed to stun the opponent on the opposite end of the Hangtown Mine stage, what they get might be one of the most cringe worthy moments in gaming history. This giant tree spike appears out of nowhere and just… well, you need to see it for yourself.
Taking the top spot is Black Orchid from Killer Instinct. The last survivor of the ‘Bloodsport’ wars is alive and kicking today as an Xbox One exclusive, but back in the day this was a Nintendo franchise. The first game brought the world a big surprise… Orchid decided to ‘flash’ her fallen opponent, giving them a massive heart attack (thanks to the blood rushing down to their schlongs of course). It works on everyone… Aliens, dinosaurs, robots, werewolves, a skeleton that is missing the most essential of ‘bones’ and, of course, humans. She was easily the most sexually attractive character Nintendo ever had and when she left as part of Rare being bought out and the reboot, it brought a complete overhaul for her… which is shame because her ‘fun bags of destruction’ is by far the best Non-MK finisher ever done.
Thanks for reading this and join me next week for another edition of Saturday Sillies.