After a stressful day of unpaid work, I headed to my local game store and picked up a PS4, no games, just a second-hand PS4 console. The cashier looked at me puzzled but they were happy as long as they got my money. Now I opened the box and took one look at it… what the hell have I just done!?
Afterwards I commenced the burial ceremony of my Xbob 360 which was taking up space with my other consoles, I believed it deserved a fitting send off, so I just shoved it into a PS3 box (I should have just chucked it off a cliff to be honest). The memorial service was short and sweet. I remembered the good old times paying for a monthly online subscription and playing Halo over and over again on the same maps with screaming kids… I remember playing all sorts of great exclusives… oh wait there was only one, Infinite Undiscovery and that game is hated by everyone except me for obvious reasons.
All the Essentials you need… for a grave marker
But most of all, I celebrated the last console I’ll ever own with a removable hard drive… the memories of knowing that if my Xbob 360 dies (which was very likely) I could just buy a new one and keep all of my data. unfortunately, the same cannot be said for my old PC which got incinerated at a repair store… good times… good times indeed.
Not my collection, just an image shamelessly ripped off of Flickr, credit for the image should be found below in the sources section.
I looked at my game collection for my Xbob 360 and sighed… it’s my biggest collection, closely followed by PS2, I had a lot of games for it and 85% of them were either mediocre or absolute shit… but there were a few I didn’t finish, Gothic 4 for example, along with a few others like rainbow six vegas. I’ll probably never finish them… oh well. Honestly the only reason I kept my Xbob 360 was for Infinite Undiscovery in case I wanted to play it again for old times sake and pretty much any game really as there were a few non exclusive games I have on it that have data on it I like to access. However I’m not in a rush to play them. The Xbob 360 has been put in cryo sleep for now whilst my shiny new eraser coaster has taken its place. It’s kinda like a podium for my PS2 slim which is sitting on top of it right now… come to think of it, I should put my Gamecube up there… then again every time I put Valkyrie Profile 2 in the disk tray of my PS2 it will stand atop its rightful podium. The PS4 is just it’s bitch, it’s the guy who carries the throne whilst the queen waves to everyone alongside all the floats. Picture that in your mind.
So I start plugging in my PS4 only to find out it comes with HDMI cables… oh silly me… of course like with every technological advancement I always have to have the latest gadgets like every other hip person out there. Screw you guys I’m a hipster and I don’t like Iphones, facebook, twatter or any of that nonsense I just want to play games and have fun on inferior hardware. Heck my PC is still pretty minimal, I was offered plenty of better options and I still picked up the cheapest. It looks fine. Seriously people are way too spoiled these days and expect better quality. As for me, I just want to play good games and considering the fact that Valkyrie Profile 2 is beautiful on my small silver Digilogic that had no HD compatibility but a great DVD player. Who needs modern TV’s!?
So now, after forking ??300 for a glorified coffee coaster with no games, I’m now lumbered with something I can’t use unless I either buy a converter (if they exist) or buy an HD TV, I hear they’re cheap these days but why the nuisance? Why change? I don’t give a shit about visual quality, all I care about is art design and attention to detail, that’s what matters in visuals, not the resolution, screw that.
Now you might call me a hypocrite considering the fact that I pre-ordered Tales of Zesteria on PC which obviously has better visuals but why the hell not? I have a PC so I might as well use it, plus I could have a chance to play Tales Of Symphonia all over again for basically nothing! Sweet. In addition, I can contribute towards supporting more JRPG’s on PC so I don’t have to purchase any more black boxes of garbage anymore.
So what can I do with this shitbox one… uh I mean PS4… BAH They’re all the same to me, just like human names are to Varimathras. The PS4 is an eyesore, just picking it up felt like it was about to drop to bits in my hand. They use the cheapest most fragile materials to build the frame and they have this horrible black coating over the disk tray which makes it easier to show fingerprints. What happened to good ol’ durable matte painted consoles like the Gamecube, man that console was literally a tank, you had to microwave it to break it as a baseball bat just wasn’t enough. That thing could survive a 50 foot drop…well the frame at least. The PS4 is a piece of shit in a box and believe me I’d take it any day over the Shitbox One, one of the shittiest pieces of hardware ever to be released since the N gage. Fuck the N gage and fuck the Shitbox One!
So the next problem… where’s the power switch… oh it’s a touch screen power switch… great, just great. Another stupid innovation concept for a multitude of reasons. Heck If I accidentally poke it with my elbow whilst playing Mount And Blade (my PS4 is right next to my Wii which is right next to my keyboard and mouse) the console turns on. If I leave my game running, Go afk and accidentally touch the power button with my elbow, I lose all my progress. Great design Sony, I’m glad you don’t care about the consumer because nobody else does in this industry… and believe me, Moneysoft will somehow find some way to take advantage of these silly flaws and all the Xbob fanboys will be smiling smugly at all the mugs who bought the PS4 i.e me… that is until they realize that the console they bought is a terrible heap of garbage.
Simple, Instant, Complete horseshit!
Ok, ok. The Shitbox One doesn’t have as many issues as it should… but that’s the problem. Moneysoft had the nerve to proclaim that the console was going to be always online DRM and have no used games compatibility. It was a disaster in a box and everyone knew it, so they scrapped the idea and said “Here you go you fuckmuts, here’s your Xbox one, the way you wanted it, go have fun playing Halo or something, I have a pool of money to surf in and I want to do it fast before the shareholders start knocking on my door saying “where’s the money!?”.
I just don’t know anymore. Has gaming really gotten this low… well no, it has Star Ocean 5 coming out, it’s definitely on the up if anything. If I’m going to say anything positive in this shitty article, it’s that there hasn’t been a greater time for gaming since 2006 (or 7 for us Europeans as we get everything late, screw you region lock!) On the plus side, the PS4 isn’t region locked like the PS3, this means I can enjoy playing Valkymii Profile 2: Silmiiria (AKA Exist Archive) if it doesn’t get released in the EU. Heck any game that’s released in America exclusively can also be played, which is a bonus I suppose, though I haven’t seen any games recently which have that problem except Demons Souls which I don’t play due to obvious reasons… that game would give me horrible nightmares!
So what have we learned today kiddies? Don’t be an idiot like me and buy a brand new console when there’s absolutely no games on it. Am I going to play Bloodborne? No (see the end of the last paragraph) and I going to play No Mans Sky? Maybe… oh wait it’s not out yet. Star Ocean 5? Hell yes! Oh wait, it’s not out yet. Release my games goddamn it! In any case, it’s relieving that I’ve finally made this stupid purchase and now I can just wait patiently for the release of Star Ocean 5 so I can be happy. That way I won’t have to go round my neighborhood with a nailed baseball bat and go on a rampage, scaring all the kids… or I could just play GTA which lets you do just that… not sure about the nails… but we can compromise.